Words to live by :) ........it's a quote like this I needed to shake me up for the day.
Alright, Monday. Here we go.
There are days when I find I'm so desperately trying to stay afloat with this whole Brad situation. This is one of them. I hate that my conviction changes on any given day. Some days I love him, other days I hate him, other days I resent him, sometimes I miss him. This is relationship bipolar disorder at its best. And it's not healthy, but what is? Seriously. What is the healthy alternative? I don't know what I want with him- I know I don't want him to leave, but I also know it drives me crazy having him around. I'm not ready to lock into anything serious with him in terms of expectations for our future but I do sure as hell want to know what is going on in his head where he thinks it's ok to do the things we're doing but also say what he's saying to me.
That sounnds bad, doesn't it? Let's just be realistic. Brad and I are living like we have not broken up- and that's the G rated version. Brad and I have never had a discussion where we have defined what we are- in fact, if anything, I'm the one who keeps constantly reminding him that we aren't anything. Not because that's what I want but because I want to see how he reacts to that. Does it bother him? Does he think we are something even though we're not? Does he really give even a little bit of a shit?
This is stupidly dramatic and it's all coming from my end. I'm trying to curtail these idiotic behaviors from affecting how I treat him and for the most part, I do well. Except lately I (feel like) I've been mean to him.
Here's what I want to do: jump into his arms and kiss the ever living daylights out of him.
Here's what I actually do: give him a half assed smile and pretend to care about his day. Sometimes I'm curt with him, and sometimes I'm a smart ass to him. But none of this is true- I care about his day, his job, his weekend. But revealing all of that, giving that part of myself- the girlfriend, the friend- to him when I don't know what his long term intentions are towards me (ok- marriage has come up in topic twice in the past two and a half weeks, but let's not kid myself here- it was no proposal).
My balancing act sucks. I love Brad- as a friend, as potentially something more. I need to be nice to him when he clearly is reaching out to me, and I'm basically slapping his hand away. But I'm so so so scared to be the first one to reach out to him only to have MY hand slapped away- again.
So despite the obsessive over-analysis of me and Brad, I don't carry this into my behavior regarding life in general and I'm still having so much fun. This past weekend, while Brad was in Marietta, I had a complete blast with friends and family. Friday night I had dinner with an old buddy, then went to see a movie with some other friends. Saturday I went to a ping pong tournament for a fundraiser for the troops (and got my ass whooped in the first round by some 16 year old little kid- seriously? I'm a rock star- no idea how I lost), then bar hopped around Milford with my friend Brandy until about 2am. This weekend was capped off with a steak dinner from the grill that my dad cooked- amazing.
Life is so great- but I know it can be so much better. I feel like I can maintain the gratitude I have for my life, the people in it, and the positive things surrounding me, but I also feel like I have the right to ask - and work - for more. I'll get there. And in the meantime, I'll always have ping pong. And volleyball. And my wolf dog.
So you want to know how my Cinco de Mayo went?
BAM! It was clearly a miserable time. What am I doing? Using a pencil sharpener. On a pencil? No. My make-believe #2? Yes. My friend and I went to this random whole in the wall dive about 2 miles down the road from my house- which means it's in the cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuntry. It was fabulous- built in 1900, Wizard of Oz storm shelter, cool owners, juke box- everything you need for a good night. Oh, and we were the only two in there.