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Maria Flaherty
07 May 2012 @ 09:14 am
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Words to live by :) ........it's a quote like this I needed to shake me up for the day. 


Alright, Monday.  Here we go.

There are days when I find I'm so desperately trying to stay afloat with this whole Brad situation.  This is one of them.  I hate that my conviction changes on any given day.   Some days I love him, other days I hate him, other days I resent him, sometimes I miss him. This is relationship bipolar disorder at its best.  And it's not healthy, but what is? Seriously.  What is the healthy alternative? I don't know what I want with him- I know I don't want him to leave, but I also know it drives me crazy having him around.  I'm not ready to lock into anything serious with him in terms of expectations for our future but I do sure as hell want to know what is going on in his head where he thinks it's ok to do the things we're doing but also say what he's saying to me.

That sounnds bad, doesn't it? Let's just be realistic.  Brad and I are living like we have not broken up- and that's the G rated version.  Brad and I have never had a discussion where we have defined what we are- in fact, if anything, I'm the one who keeps constantly reminding him that we aren't anything.  Not because that's what I want but because I want to see how he reacts to that.  Does it bother him? Does he think we are something even though we're not? Does he really give even a little bit of a shit?

This is stupidly dramatic and it's all coming from my end.  I'm trying to curtail these idiotic behaviors from affecting how I treat him and for the most part, I do well.  Except lately I (feel like) I've been mean to him. 

Here's what I want to do: jump into his arms and kiss the ever living daylights out of him.

Here's what I actually do: give him a half assed smile and pretend to care about his day.  Sometimes I'm curt with him, and sometimes I'm a smart ass to him.  But none of this is true- I care about his day, his job, his weekend.  But revealing all of that, giving that part of myself- the girlfriend, the friend- to him when I don't know what his long term intentions are towards me (ok- marriage has come up in topic twice in the past two and a half weeks, but let's not kid myself here- it was no proposal). 

My balancing act sucks.  I love Brad- as a friend, as potentially something more.  I need to be nice to him when he clearly is reaching out to me, and I'm basically slapping his hand away.  But I'm so so so scared to be the first one to reach out to him only to have MY hand slapped away- again.

About Me Quotes

So despite the obsessive over-analysis of me and Brad, I don't carry this into my behavior regarding life in general and I'm still having so much fun.  This past weekend, while Brad was in Marietta, I had a complete blast with friends and family.  Friday night I had dinner with an old buddy, then went to see a movie with some other friends.  Saturday I went to a ping pong tournament for a fundraiser for the troops (and got my ass whooped in the first round by some 16 year old little kid- seriously? I'm a rock star- no idea how I lost), then bar hopped around Milford with my friend Brandy until about 2am. This weekend was capped off with a steak dinner from the grill that my dad cooked- amazing. 

Life is so great- but I know it can be so much better.  I feel like I can maintain the gratitude I have for my life, the people in it, and the positive things surrounding me, but I also feel like I have the right to ask - and work - for more.  I'll get there. And in the meantime, I'll always have ping pong. And volleyball.  And my wolf dog.


So you want to know how my Cinco de Mayo went?



BAM! It was clearly a miserable time.  What am I doing? Using a pencil sharpener. On a pencil? No. My make-believe #2? Yes. My friend and I went to this random whole in the wall dive about 2 miles down the road from my house- which means it's in the cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuntry.  It was fabulous- built in 1900, Wizard of Oz storm shelter, cool owners, juke box- everything you need for a good night. Oh, and we were the only two in there.
 
 
Maria Flaherty
01 May 2012 @ 01:18 pm
Last night when my friend and I came out of The Pub, it was raining.  I did not dance in it, like the quote tells you to.  But I did lose my shoe in the gutter and stomped in puddles and enjoyed it just as much.  That counts, right?

So, let's see...in light of my friend recently taking up blogging in the world of LJ, I've been (mentally) reinvigorated to write again.  But then I sit down and I'm like eh...I can't be bothered.  But I don't know if that's from laziness so much as it's from literally emoting my heart out for the past month and a half over the Brad situation and getting over the incredible, incredible stress that was the first three months of 2012.  I've noticed that as every day goes by, I want to talk about Brad less and less.  I want to digest where we are and where we were and where we're going (if anywhere, which I'm starting to doubt, more and more) also less and less. Brad comes home on average every 1-2 weeks and stayed for 1-2 weeks and it's always been positive interaction, but I think I'm starting to see our interaction and my role in his life very differently, and more accurately.  And it's not the light I would necessarily want to be seen in, in regards to the person I dated for the past year.  It's very disappointing, but it's also a very good kick in the face. 

One of the biggest things that I wonder about in regards to my approach with Brad is not whether or not anything is going to happen between us, but whether or not I want it to and if I'm wanting it to (or not, or just lying to myself) for the right reasons.  I am vacillating between determining if I miss him because I miss him or because I miss the feeling I had when I was with him- being in love; loving someone and believing I was loved in return.  Or if it's Brad himself that I miss. I don't know anymore.  Or I know and I don't want to admit it because I really just want to walk away and admitting anything in regards to having lingering feelings makes me feel like my ability to move on is compromised.  But the good thing in all this is that the lines between these things are becoming less clear and more blurry.

At the end of the day though it doesn't change what I want with/from Brad.  But the difference now is the belief/hope of that being not only possible but the best thing for me personally is compromised.  I don't know if Brad is supposed to be the guy I'm with anymore.  I want to be with him, yes.  But there have been so many situations, incidences, warning signs in the course of the past year that I'm not sure- through his own fault or not- Brad is capable of being the person that I expect out of whomever I date seriously and/or marry.  I want him to be.  But can he be? Does he want to be? I don't know.  And I don't know if I want to be having these conversations with him anymore.

So...I don't know.

In other news- social activities are going crazy.  Last week was a total whirlwind- I got my ass beat down twice in bowling (you just got lucky, John!), got to visit with some (great) family from out of town; spent the entire day of Saturday with my brother who, quite frankly, is one of the best people I have ever met in my life.  I've realized something: I will know I've met the guy I want to marry by whether or not I want to bring him to meet my brother.  No one has EVER met my brother outside of my immediate family.  Zakk represents a side of me that no one else can understand or identify with; he is an incorporation of our mom, her choices, our sisters and how our lives were affected as a result of everything.  To allow someone to meet the physical manifestation of everything that I've kept so private is something that will only be granted to the person who I feel will understand and appreciate that gift.  BUT it doesn't change Zakk from wanting to meet Brad or whomever I date to  make sure the guy is good enough for his sister ;)

I am also desperately trying not to play keeping up with the Joneses.  I finally am in a very stable spot, financially and emotionally.  I do not want to compromise that but at the same time, I don't want to get complacent either.  I feel like I should be at a much more advanced point in my career- financially and in terms of my title.  I try not to compare what figures I should be making to other people in my life, but sometimes I can't help it.  The only person I can measure my own success against is myself.  I know this.  But still I just cannot help it sometimes! Oh well, I'd be a complete liar if I said I was infallible to comparing and contrasting.  But even though I want to avoid that being the basis of how I operate my life, I don't want complacency to keep me spinning my wheels either.  So ...again, we'll see.

Right now, everything is in the 'we'll see' holding pattern- but it's a great place to be in, for the time being :)
 
 
Current Mood: hungryhungry
 
 
Maria Flaherty
24 April 2012 @ 03:37 pm
Whoa, my life has taken off.

I've been having the time of my life these past few weeks- seriously.  I've had good weekends spent with good friends, been enjoying the hell out of my AMAZING car, (more than) caught up financially finally, and doing well at work.

It's funny how things come full circle in a year.  Things are similar to last year only amplified, better.  Last year I got a job- this year I'm at the same job and got a raise. Last year I had a car.  This year I have a better car.  Last year the only thing going on in my life (socially) is what was happening with Brad.  This year, things are almost in the same spot they were with Brad (at the beginning of the relationship) but in a better place.  My head is in a better place, my heart has its shit together, and things are (or are not) developing at the right pace. You know, the pace where the decisions that get made are being made for all the right ones, and not the passionate ones? Yeah- that one. I love it.  I have been getting amped up in sports- softball, the driving range, putt putt (I'm sorry, this counts) and volleyball.  I've been spending loads of time with my family and getting even closer to them.  I've reconnected with some absolutely amazing friends from Kings Island - two fucking phenomenal ones in particular - and I couldn't be more grateful. I'm developing my kick ass bowling skills (ok- there's room for improvement) and I'm crushing it in ping pong.

I just feel like a (rock)star right now.

Move out of my way, life. I'm winning!
 
 
Maria Flaherty
05 April 2012 @ 04:10 pm
So, in my first post since whenever I wrote my last post, I'm just trying to kill time before I leave.  I'm deliberately extending my day by 15 minutes to make sure that I don't get to the gym too early. 

Updates:

- Brad and I are not happening right now, at least in any serious/substantial capacity.  We'll see what happens.

- Car broke down for the second time in two months and this time it was pronounced a fatality. Bought a new car- a Jeep- and if life doesn't slap me in the face with anymore suck, I should be set on this for a while :)
                ........but as a result of all this [two car break downs, tow fees, down payment on a new car] + an insanely large heating bill, I will be starving for the next month and a half, despite a second raise. Awesome, I need to lose the weight anyway.

- ???

And that's it.  Things look like they're on the upswing, but only time will tell.......and in the meantime I have Purple Haze (the beer, come on), How I Met Your Mother and the (re)start of some awesome friendships :)
 
 
Maria Flaherty
25 January 2012 @ 04:36 pm
Updates: life is absurd.

Brad is in Texas for training- we are on a two month break in the relationship- because guess what? He STILL can't handle change well. I love him. I support him. This better get off the ground when he gets back though.  Long and short: I think Brad is worth it- when he's not psycho-analyzing himself or the world around him, he's fantastic.. I'm not sure if I'm just completely idiotic for hanging on to something that's been this unnecessarily dramatic or extremely patient/understanding. I gave him the option of telling me via text if he clocks out of this relationship before he gets back (can it get any easier?). That's all I need to figure out what I need to do to move on. So he knows that every day I don't have a text telling me he's out the door, I'm assuming I have a pretty stellar guy coming home to me in 7 weeks. If that doesn't happen- his loss, not mine. But I think I'll be seeing him 7 weeks with a better head on his shoulders. Hope hope hope. And then we go from there.

In other news- I'm going to the REAL Mardi Gras in New Orleans with 3 of my super close girlfriends- so stoked. I don't think I comprehend how much fun/I need this that this is going to be. That's fine- when I get down there and my mind is blown by the fun/amazingness, cool :) ......end of March = a trip to St. Louis to visit two other extremely close girlfriends. Excited!

In the two months that Brad's going to be away- I'm really focusing on getting my head back in the game (i.e. on myself instead of only on him/us). I've dropped 17lbs (and going), dyed my hair back to black, joined an coed soccer league- good start. Now we wait and see what else happens.
 
 
 
Maria Flaherty
08 December 2011 @ 02:58 pm
So I guess I'll actually post (finally) without putting this on lockdown for my or my friend's eyes only- holy long time it's been, batman.

Summary of life over the past six months: I moved in with Brad. Officially. Finally. It's done and there's no turning back. Things are going really well as far as the living situation is concerned, and overall it's been a pretty seamless transition from when we were basically living together out of my (horrendous) house to his (much better) house. The drawback of this situation? Tuck can't live with us in this house. But if we move somewhere together down the road then Tuck definitely will be coming. The most significant reason I was even able to make this type of a concession was because my dad is able to keep Tucky and he lives just down the road so my dog is still very accessible.

As Brad and I have come out of the crazyiness of mid-July/August/first half of September, there have been significant changes in the relationship. Mostly in the sense that we left the honeymoon phase and went right into the long term relationship phase. We have fights/disagreements/bickerments now (eew), there aren't a lot of day to day secrets about our lifestyles anymore, we talk to each other on more significant levels (still not that often, but they're definitely deeper) and we're also getting a sense of who the other person is outside of the relationship. Brad and I both work really well together when it comes to how we conduct ourselves in regards to the other person in the relationship. But when it comes to understanding how the other person conducts themselves up against other situations in life, that's what we're learning. We're learning that we don't like how we respond to some things, and we're learning that we do really respect other things.

I've never lived with a boyfriend so it's hard not looking at him as a roommate moreso than a romantic partner (weird word to use? I can't think of any other way to describe it that identifies it properly) but that also might be why it hasn't been a hard transition. Instead of only seeing him in the role of boyfriend, I do also see him as a roommate- someone who comes/goes as he pleases, someone who has space that needs to be respected (as does mine) and someone who I enjoy having around when I come home. Here's hoping that he feels the same way otherwise we're in trouble :)

Other areas of my life have just completely imploded, but the good thing about it is that they haven't affected me as a whole. First- my car broke down indefinitely. Horrible. So now I have my uncle's car that he gave me. Second- I broke up with my only two girlfriends in the city, but for reasons I feel are extremely justified and I'm not missing them too terribly.

The only thing I regret about the way things are in my life is the fact that I've been here almost a year and still haven't met anyone. The two people who I did recently end the friendships with were very superficial at best anyway and I don't know if I've done my share (whether it's been my fault or not) at actively making an effort to meet people outside of work. Doing things after work that don't always involve sitting around in the house are things I miss about my friends and social life in Phoenix. But I'm learning a lot being here so while I miss the social things, I still wouldn't trade right now for back then. I know each division of my life is going to get figured out one way or another.

Isn't that such an upbeat attitude? I know. It's also boring- because I literally have nothing going on in my life to write about. I have to finish moving. And then clean my old house. And then......? So boring!
 
 
Maria Flaherty
07 November 2011 @ 10:00 am
It has been a long time since I've written (in the context of how often I had been writing) and a lot has changed.
Namely, things are summarily back to normal between me and Brad and we are currently re-planning on moving in together (again). Sometime during this month supposedly. I'm not packing up until I get the most important thing moved in: my bed. When my bed is in, the rest of the stuff can follow. But since the middle of September, we've been back to living together - mostly at my house, sometimes at his. Things are going really well but now we're coming into the next hurdle of our relationship- the long distance. As time goes on, it's looking more and more like this mud engineer job is going to happen and now Sam is talking about bringing Brad out to Marietta sometime in December for a bit to get him some experience before he heads off to school for two months in January. I'm not sure about what his schedule will be - neither is he. Two weeks on, two weeks off? One week on, one week off? Who knows. I hope he's here for Christmas but I'm not holding my breath either. We will be spending Thanksgiving together- Thanksgiving Day at his house (I have to make a homemade pumpkin pie) and Thanksgiving at my family's on Saturday. And then the first week of December (if he's still in town) we're going down with his family to see the Carolina Panthers vs. Atlanta Falcons game. An official family trip, I must be in it pretty solidly now.

I'm feeling very confident in things despite what happened. We don't talk too much about his little crisis and my insecurity blip and I think we've also migrated past the honeymoon stage because we've also started having little spats over completely ridiculous things. I'm not sure if I'm annoyed by them or glad because of what they indicate- normalcy, stability and comfort with one another. And maybe that's an element of realism we never had before. But it's still aggravating.  Besides that, he's really come back to the sweet, loving and attentive person that I knew back before he flipped his lid.

While I am taking this with a grain of salt, one thing that really solidifies where Brad sees me in his life is the fact that he asked me to move with him if he gets posted somewhere out of state when he's finished with training. Move out of state with him? Move with him? He wants me to? It's just really been a roundabout turn in the past few months in terms of how solid and committed he is to this relationship and to being a boyfriend.

I'm not pushing things one way or another- I'm not pushing the move in date, I'm not pushing the 'where are we going to move' issue and he's really been responsive to that. We've been having dinners together every night (that I've been cooking), grocery shopping together, family dinners with his family and mine and watching football on Sundays together or, failing that, watching the games together from Sunday night or Monday night.

While I am really happy with him and our relationship, I'm not going to speculate on anything because we still have another three months to get through that's going to be a challenge. I'm dreading it because I'm (again) so used to seeing him every day and then I'm only going to see him on/off and then he'll be gone all together for two months and then it'll be back to the on/off situation. I hate it. Hate it. Already I hate it. It's dangerous. It's a great opportunity though, so I can't voice anything besides optimism for him.

And besides all that, he's been incredibly supportive of me. My car's broken down and he's helped me by loaning me his car and even at one point considering buying one for me - which luckily it didn't come to that. He helped me make it to Vegas to see my friends and has offered to help pay for groceries, paid for me whenever we go out- and just really stepped up on a lot of different levels to support me and show me his support in ways that I may not have thought to look at.

And while everything with Brad is really starting to take off, I'm still struggling financially. My car breaking down has put me in a compromising situation where I have to essentially hand the car back to the bank, take a hit on my credit and deal with the pursuit of the bank trying to get payment back on the loan. How am I ever going to repair my credit now? And my friend's wedding is coming up this weekend which is a whole other debacle because Brad has to be in Pittsburgh as well but for different reasons and on different days and quite honestly the car I have now I'm not even sure if it'll make it on a roundtrip to Pennsylvania. Things are definitely going to ease up financially once December hits and I've cut my expenses by not having a car payment and living with Brad but the next week and a half is really going to be tight.

Ah...life. When one area really starts shaping up well, others start disintegrating.  The good news here is that it's the holiday season now- it's so hard to be in a bummer mood when it's Thanksgiving/Christmas :)
 
 
Maria Flaherty
26 July 2011 @ 08:10 am
I don't think it's possible for me to be any angrier than I am at this moment.
 
 
Maria Flaherty
10 June 2011 @ 08:17 am
This passage from Pride and Prejudice is amazing, if for no other reason than it's sarcastic, funny and a slap int he face to the male role during Jane Austen's time.

"Mr. Bennet treated the matter differently. "So, Lizzy," said he one day, "your sister is crossed in love I find.  I congratulate her. Next to being married, a girl likes to be crossed in love a little now and then. It is something to think of, and gives her a sort of distinction among her companions. When is your turn to come? You will hardly bear to be long outdone by Jane. Now is your time. Here are officers enough at Meryton to disappoint all the young ladies in the country. Let Wickham be your man. He is a pleasant fellow, and would jilt you creditably."




Hahahahahaha.
 
 
Maria Flaherty
25 March 2011 @ 02:14 pm
I'm updated this lj right now because I am surprisingly finished with invoicing for the day and have nothing to do for the next two hours. So I'm going to catalog everything I consider to be of 'substance' between now and when I leave at 4p.

I feel like I've been hit by a bus (physically) and I don't know why? Literally my hips feel like I've pulled them up off the pavement after having been splattered on there by a large vehicle. The bones in my legs hurt. Bones- not muscles/tendons. The bones. I feel like I do the morning of waking up from a particularly violent soccer game from the day before. I miss those days =)